Tag Archives: transitions

Opposite of Shame by Shannon Leith

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Posted by kritzau on February 1, 2012 – 8:38 am
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Finding Hope

 

shannon leith is an artist.  her life is consumed with finding clarity and contentment in the ordinary. she writes in all lower case. her website shines with creativity.  you can find her with her camera, with her pet bird, or with friends and family because even though she finds hope in the ordinary, she is extraordinary. 

 

 

 

hope has felt hopeless lately.

with men— it seems like i will never find a fit for me. am i going to be alone forever?
with money— i honestly don’t know how i’m paying this month’s bills.
with my art— i often feel like a 4 year old: what i create just feels like a cute and pathetic try.
with my business— the dreams i’m pursuing feel like they’re failing.
with my home— i wish i had someone here to do the daily with.
with my pet bird—why does he always bite me? WHAT THE HECK.

as i sit with these disappointments its become pretty clear to me that i deal with shame.  the voices inside tell me that i don’t deserve a good guy in my life, that i am incompetent with money, that my art is awful, my business sense is off, i will be alone forever, and that i can’t even take care of a bird.

turns out: these things aren’t true.
but they seem true.

i met with a woman last week who told me that the way to heal my shame was to claim hope.

i essentially feel hopeless and worthless right now in almost every area of my life. it seems absolutely impossible to have hope that i will one day find a man who is inspiring and vibrant and deep.  it seems impossible to hope that one day i will have my finances under control.  it seems impossible to think that my dreams are worth pursuing.

so, as a way of practicing my theme of no-shame 2012, and as a way of claiming hope—— i’ve been photographing myself after my favorite time of the day: my shower.  i love the feeling of being all drippy and fresh and awake and alive. i love the warm towel after. i love the steamy bathroom.  i love deciding what to wear.  i love putting on moisturizer.  i love the look of a clean and bare face.  i love wet wavy strands of hair.  i don’t miss a day. showers make me feel grounded and centered and lovely.

 
these images are a declaration that i don’t have to downplay myself.  i can put a little bit of hope in the possibility of something being bright and full today instead of disappointing and empty. it’s a new day.

 
(no shame 2012.)

 


Tomorrow’s Sunset by Melissa Mills

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Posted by kritzau on January 11, 2012 – 8:47 am
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Finding Hope

Melissa Mills is a dear friend and one of the most passionate people I know.  She works tirelessly for justice and speaks the truth in living authentically in her community.  I’m proud to share her essay as the first installment of our “Finding Hope” prompt for this Winter. You can find her personal blog here.

How do I find hope when life is full of disappointment?

“I’m going to walk away now,” I said, my voice cracking.  I turned around and reluctantly, did just that. I hoped he wouldn’t see the tears that burst from my eyes, blurring my vision.  He didn’t. Instead, he got into his car.

And. Drove. Away.  

I was left having to say goodbye yet again to a guy I really liked and all that I could hope was that somehow this year…this hard, awful, amazing, crazy year would be worth it. But I had to choose that hope. It didn’t come naturally.

****

“Come awake from sleep, arise. You were dead but come alive. Wake up, wake up, open your eyes. Climb from your brain into delight.” – David Crowder Band , “Come Awake.”

Sometimes after work last year, where I was on the edge of breaking into either tears or song, I would find myself driving west on the 210 when I was supposed to be driving east. Somehow after an hour I would end up at the beach journaling and totally free to just be. These moments would come upon me like flashes of lightning. I would just know it was going to be an amazing sunset and then would drive as fast as I could without getting pulled over: the 210 to the 118 to the 405 where I always held my breath knowing that the traffic could turn on me at any second.  I always ended up in Santa Monica. It wasn’t that it was my favorite beach, it just had the most of my history and in those moments, I needed to be known, even if it was by a place.  Read More »

Getting off the ladder

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Posted by kritzau on September 14, 2011 – 11:23 am
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Spiritual Direction, Thoughts on life

My sister-in-law called me last night. She just returned from a trip and I started teaching, so we had a bit to catch up on.

“How’s work going?” I inquire, because she talked about a promotion right before she left.

“Good, but they might end up moving me to full time. I know you’re supposed to ‘climb the ladder’….”

I cut her off, “Yeah, whose ladder though?”

“I know right? I lose freedom of my schedule and I’m just not sure I want that, but I do love it.”

I hear the wrestling match in her voice.  The part time job which allows her flexible hours and the benefit of three day weekends every weekend might move to more time at the office.  Opportunity is about to knock – or is it?

(my sis and I)

Earlier in the day, I saw similar wrestling matches going on in my new class.  My students look worried as we enter into the world of deconstruction. Read More »

What is work?

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Posted by kritzau on August 18, 2011 – 2:23 pm
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Home.Food.Garden, Spiritual Direction

I declared these past 10 days Take Your Wife To Work Week. My husband works for an international humanitarian organization and travels quite a bit.  Due to my old job responsibilities it was never an option for me go with him.

As I made the transition to my new role in the university, we quickly realized there was a window of time for me to travel to Costa Rica with him.

It didn’t hurt that we tacked on a couple days to the front end to relax at the beach.  However, we soon found ourselves at Nate’s boss’ home ready to begin our work week.  I figured if you have to lesson plan, what’s the difference between my home office or working in a different country with my husband?

My other companions on this trip were textbooks – leadership, spiritual formation, writing – along with other “fun” reads like Wendell Berry and John O’Donohue. As Nate sat for long planning meetings, only breaking for meals.  I found myself diving into outlining, reading and lecture writing. Ten hours later I had finalized a syllabus and planned two lectures. I had learned new presentation software and done mental gymnastics in order to translate ideas to a new generation of students.

I was spent. Read More »

On becoming a godmother

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Posted by kritzau on August 2, 2011 – 3:19 pm
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Thoughts on life

I was recently asked by a dear friend to be her daughter’s godmother, and not just in the figurative sense. In the case of a tragedy, we are the literal guardians of little Maya. The request came over lunch: two friends eating tomatoes and mozzarella catching up about the last month we hadn’t seen each other was about to get a lot more serious.

“So Erik and I are working on our will and we wanted to ask if you and Nate would consider being guardians.” She went on to say of course they understood this is a big request and we could of course say no.

My heart fluttered and an overwhelming feeling caught up to my tear ducts as I remembered the Winter of 2009.

I was one of the first to find out about this precious little being. I took her mama to the ER because she had violent morning sickness that lasted for months on end, all day long.

We didn’t understand then how this little girl would change our lives. My friend’s, of course, in becoming a wonderful mother and me in how you expect to be there for a friend in need – expecting nothing in return.

My expectations were the same about being a godparent: I didn’t expect it at all. I would never assume that decision of anyone’s family. So I became flushed with gratitude and honor at the thought that someone would want me to raise her child.

I went home and through tears explained the request to my husband. By the end of the conversation we were both crying.

“She said that she loves how intentional we are with our life. That we believe in something bigger than ourselves – our connection to the earth and to God and to them,” I felt the tear journey down my cheek as I journeyed into the memory of Thanksgiving last year. We invited her and her family, new baby in tow. It felt like a natural family as we went around the table saying what we were thankful for.  There we were, our small extended relatives, our neighbor who lives by himself, and this new family.  Suddenly DNA didn’t matter – we were all related.

“My first response is yes, but I want to pray about it for a bit to see if there is any hint of a ‘no’,” my husband responded with later on in all his wisdom. Read More »

Finding home sweet home

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Posted by kritzau on June 20, 2011 – 2:17 pm
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Home.Food.Garden, Workshops/Retreats

This past weekend, I hosted an open mic/art show at the homestead.  It was an evening that had me enthralled and I didn’t want it to end.  A poet, a sculptor, a singer and a spoken word performer, amongst a few more writers and creative geniuses, graced us with their offerings.  It was such a sacred time that ushered summer in with profound, but gentle truth.  I am almost at the end of making a big transition that I announced last week. Thank you to everyone for your support and encouragement in this season.  It has meant so much to me and my husband.

In reflecting about the first days of summer that are upon us all, I couldn’t help but think about this past season and the direction of my life.  I wrote this for the Open Mic with the prompt I gave the other participants: We will meet the weekend before Summer Solstice to celebrate the changing of seasons. Using that prompt, please create something, or pick something you already have with a similar theme to share.

I want to share it with those of you who couldn’t be there before I head out of town for my annual no-technology week next week.  I will post some pics of the yard later this week, but here is the piece – Finding Home Sweet Home

 

After I was born, my parents brought me home. Home was a typical middle class suburban house in a Western Washington neighborhood.

The home sat nestled in a few pine trees with other houses not too close, but not too far away either.  I grew up playing in the street with other kids, and painting on an easel my mom set up for me in her art studio.

Although I was young, I remember feeling safe at the fact that my room was sandwiched between my two older brothers’ and my parents’ rooms.

Home changed though as my father’s appetite for a house with a view grew. He moved us to his custom dream home on a cliff with a driveway a tenth of a mile long. Our neighbors were senior citizens destined to live out their lives in peace and tranquility. Read More »