Tag Archives: Hope

Proverbs 3 “Crop of Hope” by Christin Taylor

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Posted by kritzau on March 19, 2012 – 12:02 pm
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Finding Hope, Poems and Blessings

Christin Taylor lives in a college dorm (in an apartment) in Bellingham, Washington with her two children and husband Dwayne.  It is there that she writes prolific essays and teaches online writing workshops as well as mentors many students who seek out her wisdom. She has currently just solidified her first book contract for Shipwrecked in Los Angeles, her creative memoir filled with insightful direction and beautiful words.  She is a great teacher (take her workshop!) and wonderful human being.  Christin is our last writer for this season’s FINDING HOPE prompt and she closes us out of this season with a lovely take on Proverbs 3. 

 

 

What I’m about to tell you

Will lengthen the line of your days

Will harvest a crop of hope:

“In all your ways”

in every road where you put foot to path

in every street where you pass lights and lives

admit that there is one bigger than you, truer than you,

more real than the very breath you are now taking

 

“and He will make your ways”

straighter than the truth that has pierced your heart.

He will walk the trail you are now treading

And wear in every curve of confusion, every angle of apprehension.

 

“Don’t be wise in your own eyes”

be wise in the eyes of one who peers into your soul,

who sees what is not, and what cannot

be fathomed by those such as us,

dust as we are,

fading from one temporary moment to the next.

 

“Blessed is the man who finds wisdom”

it will be like he found a small child by the road

sat with her and heard the thoughts of God

held in the mind of one so innocent.

Those thoughts are deeper than Time

Simpler than a single note.

 

Beautiful are the traits of wisdom

“Nothing you desire can compare with her”

because nothing you desire brings peace

nothing you desire brings life

nothing you desire brings honor

But wisdom has laid these out like a laurel wreath

Ready for us to take with both hands.

 

That’s how God laid the foundations, placed the heavens, split the depths

That’s how he formed each one of us -

With sound judgment and good sense.

Cherish wisdom and know this:

 

The One, whose beginning and end meet on the other side of existence,

“He will be your confidence”

Though you fall, stumble, blunder, trip

He will keep you from breaking beyond repair.

Finding Hope by Nicola Gayle

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Posted by kritzau on March 14, 2012 – 8:07 am
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Finding Hope

Hello My name is Nicola Marguerite Gayle….aka Nikki …. I was born and raised in Brooklyn New York by Jamaican Parents who as young adults  moved to England where they met and got married, then moved to New York where life began for both me (Nikki Gayle) and my older sister. Then when I was 6 we moved to California.

I currently live in Pasadena, California. My hobbies and interests have changed throughout the years but, what I found that has stayed consistent has been my love for the arts……especially dance.  I love traveling, eating/ snacking and cannot resist a good dessert!!

Writing is a tool that gets me to communicate more clearly with others but, I would never consider myself much of a writer………this blog entry is an experiment of my continued journey and adventure…..

Now I am rejoining self… reaching out for another thing that will or has fallen through or been rejected or even another  “failed” attempt …… but one thing I have discovered… I am still alive breathing and more alive than I have been in years. In the past, things were definite, for sure, consistent, constant, moving, shaking happening legit and “alive”. Things “made sense” (or so it seemed at the time) but inside I was dead, dying and scared… scared that I would do the “wrong thing” or that I would be “found out” and dead because I was not living up to whom I was and who I needed to be. The real me was beaten out by doing what “looks good” and won’t get me seen or heard or better yet “in trouble” because me and my individual thoughts, ideas, dreams, mistakes did not matter… (Mistakes were not allowed) or not accepted or I just did not know how to manage or accept or realize how to funnel it to a place of growth. I lacked a place and time for discovery because I filled it with others. Others dreams, others expectations, others hopes and others demands. That put me in a place where I did not have room for me.  No place to feel, escape experiment or just choose… I was constantly in a place of being told “ this is not you” and when I choose to speak it would come out “wrong“ or did not fit into a category that others would not/ could not understand or it was just not the space and time for me. I felt like I was suffocating. I made myself a victim and I didn’t realize it or even care.

A friend summed it up perfectly by saying to me once, “Nikki, people love/ like you but they just don’t know what to do with you”… ahh yes…. And that is where I began…. Or just started to begin. Beginning to understand the meaning of just being to truly understand me or just being/ my human existence, place and purpose in this world. Others may not have a place for you but you need to feel a place with ones self… what does that have to do with hope? Well hope believes in something greater/bigger than you. Well that’s my theory/ belief at least…that’s what keeps me going…  keeps me “on track”, keeps me from dying mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I think I lost hope for a while…. Hope in trusting my self and others. I have my moments where I need to regain my hope but I know that hope /faith (whatever) that maybe keeps me going. So whether it is in keeping myself sane by going for an indulgent little treat or trying for the new job or new (or old) hobby or a new place to pray/journal/ explore it’s the little things that I enjoy that keeps me going… I can only do that if I know that I have hope in something bigger than me…. Hope gives me a break from trying to make up for things or keep trying for things that don’t really matter or are just a plain waste of time…. Hope is the help that gives you “wings” (Cheesy right) to keep flying so to speak…. Hope can look like a lot of things…

Like the scripture says we are made in his image…  and that’s a pretty big image… so guess what, there is a lot of room for all us and we all have and are all made up of unique pieces of him that add up to the big picture…. that to me, that image is my bench mark of hope…. and when I am rejecting myself, denying myself, ignoring myself… I am denying the very thing that I am created to be. No wonder…. when one is ignoring oneself you seem to disappear and parts of the big picture are missing…. That can leave you empty, lonely helpless, angry, frustrated, not at peace (the list goes on)… that makes a bit of sense to me because in my case when I am trying to be or copy something or someone that already exists (that’s not really who I am or what I am about) I am denying my place and purpose because a piece of the big picture that I am ceases to exist and what a tragic thing for oneself and for the entire picture or even the world for that matter.

Finding hope…for me is truly being me or searching for what makes me tick and when I am focusing on my true meaning… whatever that may be… I am filled and strengthened to pour out to others so they too can find their place in the big picture. What a tragedy, what a bore if all of our lives, dreams, talents, quirks, strengths and weaknesses all looked the same…. No wonder people loose hope when there is no variety.

So I leave you with this (you know I am speaking to myself when I say this)….freedom lies in feeling hope… hope that you have a purpose that is unique only to you. That YOU can contribute to this world… you are here for a reason for your particular ways, gifts, quirks, desires and dreams.  Leave room for yourself and others to explore…..

Stop comparing yourself to others…. Once you are living your life intended  (no matter how big and or small you may think it is that doesn’t matter) YOU have a purpose, YOU matter and in this life that is only unique to you and that can bring hope not only to you but also, to those around you……

Lessons From Therapy by Megan Lundgren

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Posted by kritzau on March 6, 2012 – 4:32 pm
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Finding Hope

Megan Lundgren is a Licensed Psychotherapist and a professional Photographer. She is also our neighbor and a member of our chicken co-op.  Megan’s fantasy is to have crème brulee French toast at Julienne with Steve Martin, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler. 
 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my therapy clients, it’s hope.

Hope may not seem obvious if you’re not looking for it: sometimes clients are in despair, other times they have suffered a trauma. But there’s one clear sign – one blazing, neon sign that flashes HOPE! when they walk into my office:

They showed up.

Trust me, I know. The hardest thing to do when you are tired, angry, sad, anxious, lonely, or confused is to be present. The temptation is to run away and hide, and to forcibly push people aside on your way out.

The temptation is to be alone.

When I was 8 years old at Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp, I overheard two girls gossiping about me. I had thought these girls were my camp buddies, and I was deeply hurt by their words. It stung; I felt betrayed.

So, what did I do? In a fit of anger I picked up a pebble and hurled it towards them. THWAP! It ricocheted off one of their shoulders. They turned around, and saw me red-faced with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. So I ran. I ran and hid in the bathroom, and sobbed. I felt so alone.

Our camp counselor, Dakota, heard my choked up tears and asked me to come out of the bathroom stall to talk. I remember being scared to come out of the safety of my stall, scared of telling her what happened – I was afraid of being rejected all over again.

I had a choice. Remaining secure in my bathroom stall would mean that I was in control, but that I would suffer alone. On the other hand, telling Dakota about my pain meant that I had to risk judgment – but it also held the possibility of receiving comfort and care from my counselor.

Sometimes I wonder if my therapy clients have to overcome an internal battle of wills before sessions: the will to stay at home, complacent, or the will to come to therapy and work towards change.  When they walk through my office doors, I fight the urge to cheer them on: Congrats! You’re here! You’re so brave! You’re not alone!

What I am learning from my clients is that they’re not ready to give up. They’re willing to face pain because they have hope for their relationships and hope for transformation.

When I was an 8 year-old girl at Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp, I had a choice: to escape, or to enter into a mess with the hope of healing and companionship.  I left camp that year with a memory of hope:

I don’t remember what Dakota said, but I remember her arms around me.

Opposite of Shame by Shannon Leith

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Posted by kritzau on February 1, 2012 – 8:38 am
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Finding Hope

 

shannon leith is an artist.  her life is consumed with finding clarity and contentment in the ordinary. she writes in all lower case. her website shines with creativity.  you can find her with her camera, with her pet bird, or with friends and family because even though she finds hope in the ordinary, she is extraordinary. 

 

 

 

hope has felt hopeless lately.

with men— it seems like i will never find a fit for me. am i going to be alone forever?
with money— i honestly don’t know how i’m paying this month’s bills.
with my art— i often feel like a 4 year old: what i create just feels like a cute and pathetic try.
with my business— the dreams i’m pursuing feel like they’re failing.
with my home— i wish i had someone here to do the daily with.
with my pet bird—why does he always bite me? WHAT THE HECK.

as i sit with these disappointments its become pretty clear to me that i deal with shame.  the voices inside tell me that i don’t deserve a good guy in my life, that i am incompetent with money, that my art is awful, my business sense is off, i will be alone forever, and that i can’t even take care of a bird.

turns out: these things aren’t true.
but they seem true.

i met with a woman last week who told me that the way to heal my shame was to claim hope.

i essentially feel hopeless and worthless right now in almost every area of my life. it seems absolutely impossible to have hope that i will one day find a man who is inspiring and vibrant and deep.  it seems impossible to hope that one day i will have my finances under control.  it seems impossible to think that my dreams are worth pursuing.

so, as a way of practicing my theme of no-shame 2012, and as a way of claiming hope—— i’ve been photographing myself after my favorite time of the day: my shower.  i love the feeling of being all drippy and fresh and awake and alive. i love the warm towel after. i love the steamy bathroom.  i love deciding what to wear.  i love putting on moisturizer.  i love the look of a clean and bare face.  i love wet wavy strands of hair.  i don’t miss a day. showers make me feel grounded and centered and lovely.

 
these images are a declaration that i don’t have to downplay myself.  i can put a little bit of hope in the possibility of something being bright and full today instead of disappointing and empty. it’s a new day.

 
(no shame 2012.)

 


Noticing Hope by Ivy Zequeira-Russell

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Posted by kritzau on January 25, 2012 – 11:30 am
Filed under A Beautiful Mess, Finding Hope

Ivy Zequeira-Russell is a woman I admire and respect.  She is true to herself, her voice, her values, family and community. She is a dear friend and teacher to many, including her boys who she home schools.  These days she is also preparing to welcome Baby #3 who will be surrounded with lots of love and much hope.

I’m looking for things all the time.  “Mom, where’s my Lego magazine, my shoe, my baby, that little piece of paper I wrote on?”  Really I could go on.  So I look.  Often times, its right where we left it.  With a little searching much is found and peace is restored.  However, a few months ago things got really messy.  I wasn’t as available to find many things…not toys, keys, cell phones, clarity, joy, or hope.  You know, all the necessary things in life.

It started when I was 10 weeks pregnant with our third baby.  We have a 7 year old boy, a 3 year old boy, 2 cats, 3 chickens, we homeschool, I volunteer as a La Leche League Leader, and then my husband, Ben, broke his foot playing soccer.

Initially that broken foot helped me realize what a helpful, kind, and fully engaged partner I had in Ben.  His way of showing our family his love is primarily by being physically engaged, playing hide and seek, going on walks, running errands, helping with dishes, doing yard work, etc.  All of a sudden this loving person didn’t have his language available.  He felt so mute to me.  I missed sharing the life and rhythm we had created.

But then after 8 weeks, his foot didn’t seem to be healing.  That was 8 weeks of me doing all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, potty runs, driving, taking the trash out, and getting up to attend to our 3 year old every time he needed a parent and I was pregnant.  Thoughts of my 20 year old single mom of three kids flashed through my mind.  I hated it.  I had so little space to grieve, empathize, and integrate these new meanings of my childhood.  I began to say things to my children that again reminded me of my life as a child.  I argued with Ben about how right I was to give the kids a piece of my mind.  I felt so justified.  The tears came from all of us.  I tried to talk to Ben about his healing when I felt I couldn’t handle it any longer and it always ended in an argument.  I felt he needed to do more, consult with another doctor, keep searching for help, just something!!

I cried the kind of cries that come from your gut and leave you wanting to vomit.  I was so stressed about stressing my little fetus.  I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant and in this mess.  I had planned, charted, and seduced to get pregnant!  I was so in control of it all.  How could this amazing pregnancy have become so overshadowed by the craziness?

So fuck looking for shoes, Legos, books, toys, or even food.  Find it yourself!  Then I’d cry, take a nap, and eat.  And luckily some semblance of the good enough mom reappeared.  The family survived.  They found food, played, visited friends, sang lots of Christmas carols, and little by little I joined in.  I gave up trying to understand what was happening to Ben’s foot, I simplified, kept simplifying, changed my expectations, and then I simplified some more, but after 4 months I wondered would his foot ever heal?  Would our relationship be restored after all the frustration and exhaustion?

Hope came in the form of wise women who looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “Its time for you to get help with the kids, housekeeping, cooking, and yard work.  Its time for you to pay attention to how much you’re giving to others and not taking care of your self.  Its time.”  I listened.  I especially had to listen to the baby inside of me.  And then I was able to take in the resilience of my boys.  My 7 year old was kind, creative, and began to tap into a very responsible part of himself.  My 3 year old was saved by the Christmas season and its wonder.  He sang loudly as he memorized his favorite Christmas carols, wrapped lots of presents of little things he made for baby and me, and he was always eager to do whatever I had energy to do.

Hope came all around me.  Not hope in Ben’s foot healing but hope in the moment. For right now, we’re okay.  It was a deep knowing that just as the bread and juice sustains and reminds me of all that’s come before and that I’ve endured, we will make it through the next few hours.

I’m slowly making sense of it.  Its in my mind, body, and soul.  This time hope found me because I sure didn’t have energy to look or care about it. It seemed to gently spring up and I began to notice its presence.